90/3=30

Dear Readers:

The purpose of this blog is to list the reasons that I am irate today.  Hopefully at the end of this, I can list reasons to be happy.  Right now, I am in rare form. Some of you may not want to even continue reading because I am in a very dark inky mood.  Actually, for each angry point, I will counter with a happy point right below.  This will work better than me going ABW all over this helpless Mac.

1. There is a meeting going on so I am banished to the copy room.
But, that means I can sit alone and blog

2. My Kindle won't turn on.
But, I will go to Kindle Help in a bit to figure out why.

3. My stomach hurts.
But, my weigh-in will be awesome tomorrow if I am unable to keep anything down today.

4. I had a nightmare of a man climbing through my bedroom window.
But, in mid scream, I remembered that I am on the 7th floor of a high rise, making such a feat impossible.

5. My mother called me every hour on the hour, I think.
But, I didn't answer (I don't know if that was good for her, but it worked for me).

6. I slept about 42min last night, between the nightmare and my cell buzzing.
But, I had the most amazing 30min nap on the subway this morning.

7. I miss my friends terribly.
But, I will see some of my favorite people tomorrow. (Shout out to the Birthday Queen of My World)

8. My apartment is a mess.
But, that is because it is being painted.

9. Despite my stomachache, I am hungry.
But, it was my choice to spend 7pts on wine and cheese for breakfast.

10. I am all out of socks, meaning yesterday's socks are also today's socks.
But, it is not like a)they match, b)anyone will know, c)I truly GAF.

11. I feel very anxious.
But, it could be the stomachache confusing me.

12. I feel a little weepy.
But, I could just need a good cry.

13. I just realized that my birthday is less than five months away.
But, it is the last quarter of my thirties, and being 40 is a little exciting to me.

14. It being the last quarter of my thirties (nearly) makes me wonder what have I done for me lately?
But, then I realize I have done a whole lot and will do a whole lot more.

15. My cat shat in my Puma bag.
But, it was a bag that was a gift with all types of stipulations, so serves it right. I think.

16. My cat shat in my Puma bag. (my list, my rules)
But, at least he didn't pee in it.

17. My cat shat in my Puma bag.
But, how often do I get to use the past tense of shit?

18. I would love a bagel right now.
But, it will taste better on Sunday when I can afford the points.

19. I feel like something shady is going on.
But, a)it is what it is, b)who am I to complain, 3)I make my own choices, so 4)I might as well cuddle in this bed that I made.

20. I don't really think that there is anything good about #19 and I am almost positive I am holding back.
But, I need to keep some things to myself, as I have all types of folk (negative and positive) read my blog and I refuse to not blog, but I might just have to censor myself a little bit.

I don't suffer from any sort of OCD but I don't like to end my lists with an odd number.  What I do realize while I type is that I am not nearly as angry as I thought I was, rather I am just a bit moody.  A bit moody is not a big thing.

I do need a cleansing cry, but I certainly won't engage in such madness while at work.  Perhaps I should go watch the kindergarteners during their lessons.  Watching little ones during instruction is as peaceful as watching puppies.  Providing that it is not your job to teach/care for said little ones/puppies. I am enjoying some yogurt, as something needs to carry me through to lunch.  I felt like a bloody mary yesterday, I definitely will have one today.

I am really reflective, even more so than usual and I am thinking about my place in this world.  I mean, we tend to look at ourselves under certain lenses.  If I imagine what people know about me, I guess I carry the following labels:

Mother
Educator
Sister
Lesbian
Friend
Daughter
Niece
Cousin
Weight Watcher

I don't dare think about what people think about my personality.

My real question is where do I personally think I fit in? How do I describe myself? How honest am I able to be with myself? What I think of myself must have something to do with what I give off and ultimately what people think of me.

Where do I really fit in?
Am I wasting my time?

I have people who depend on me and look up to me.  Am I serving them well?

Am I serving myself well?

Dear Readers, I am so sorry for all of this.  I just don't know what to do, nor do I know if blogging will help.  This is certainly killing time until my bloody mary.

Why kill time?

Dear Readers, I must be having an Edgar Allen Poe moment.  I may be approaching the last quarter of my thirties, but bigger than that is the fact that I am approaching the next third of my life.  Is that true? Or am I in it? This is when mathematical sense becomes necessary.  Assuming that I will live until 90, that means my life is actually already in the second third.  Oh man.  I am running out of time.

Do people care when they run out of life? Do they care if they don't realize it? If my life is cut short, but I don't realize it when it is cut, what I am really worrying about? I would hate to lie in bed, feeling my life slowly seep out and I would hate to have all that time to think about what I should have done.

Who needs all of that, when I can stress that right now?

My anger is being dissipated, but evolving to sadness.  Not depression. Sadness. There is a difference.  I don't know if this is the angle that I want this blog to take, but if you are my Dear Reader, than you know I really can't control the direction of my blogs.

Can I control the direction of my life? Hopefully.  I have been doing better with it, but with the belief that everything is already planned out, I should stop being surprised.  I wish I believed in reincarnation, then perhaps I could be a little lighter.

This is, rather, was a long blog.  I don't know if you have read this far.  If you have, thank you, if you have not, thank you.  Well if you didn't get this far, then you missed the best part---this eloquent thanks.

Thanks for reading.

A simple start,


Christine