Dear Readers,
Salutations. I have so much work to do today. I really don't have any business here. I have an extraordinary amount of shit on my mind. I feel like if I get it all off my chest (no homo) I will do better.
I just need to free blog because I keep second guessing what I am writing. Case in point, the sentence prior to this was rewritten three times. Readers, I'm not getting married.
Don't gasp. You didn't miss a proposal. There just is not one in my future. Listen my clock is not ticking, this is not really as vaginal as it sounds. As a kid I swore that I would never get married, I didn't need a wedding, I didn't need a piece of paper, I didn't need the yada yada yada I am woman hear me ROAR...silently, as the lonely tend to do.
Now at this ripe old age of nearly 36, I know that I am not getting married. It is not because I am not a catch. Trust me, I am a catch. It is simply because in lesbian years, I'm a has been. My only place left is sexy pre-cougar. Really. I have two children. If I really want to marry, I have to find some nearly dried up boi who wants an instant family. All the stress, none of mess. LOL! This is bittersweet for me.
I am realizing that I perhaps I simply thought no one would ever marry me. I now after all these years of swearing that the shit was not for me, here I am, mourning something that has never happened.
I guess so close to my birthday I am all "what have you done for me lately?!"...to myself, not to you or anyone else. Really. What have I done for me lately? I really don't want to wax poetic. I am so aware that one third of my life is more than a done deal. Shit. What have I done for me lately?
OMG with the melodrama.
So I am on this dating site and its a huge waste of time. Some of the people that I've entertained may read this. I feel like I should tell you to proceed with caution. I have some real qualities that make me a forever girlfriend. It must be the Cow Theory. You know, why buy the cow when the milk is free.....
I was proposed to in a Macy's bathroom after picking out my own ring, on a Wednesday (sale day in Macy's in case you are unaware). That relationship has been over with. I don't even have the ring anymore.
I proposed marriage to another woman one evening after a particularly great moment in lesbian history. Of course this moment was in bed, where all great moments go down and up. This was met with a FREAK OUT on her part, which should have been a sign then. It seemed to me to make perfect sense. That relationship was over at least eighteen months before we had the good sense to put it to sleep.
It just seems that I am permanently temporary. That is not an oxymoron, that is really just who I am.
Sorry, I just had to jump in the middle of a girl fight. These teens wear me the eff out. I wish they would just listen to me. These high school years are so not worth it. Anyway....
So yeah, I guess I feel like I am missing something.
I'm probably missing something because I am so disorganized. The women that I tend to attract are upstanding organized post it note loving plain cubicle dwelling folk who buy the same socks so to ease the matching. I am their permanent opposite.
Actually, temporary permanent opposite...I think I have said it before, if not on FB, here...I am like a vacation. Everyone wants to visit, no one wants to live here.
I am going to embrace this fact. I tried before, but then I bump into some overly romantic film or shit and then the feelings start.
So....
Since I am terribly sexy and terribly appealing for short holiday stays, that is what I am going to be. For my boi, I will be a time share. I am quite fond of my boi, so she can have that right. For all others in our crazy open relationships, they can visit for a spell.
Right now I am juggling many balls (no homo) and I can't afford any visitors-vacationers and otherwise.
This is why blogging is the move. I started this blog thinking about what I don't have and now I realize what I do have.
I have the right to do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anyone. My socks don't match. I may not be marriage material, but I will never run out of options. Options to do what, is certainly in the air.
So the first third of my life is done and it has been an epic ride. I expect the rest to be even better that what I've done so far.
In the meantime, I need a passport. Sounds random? I got plans, yo.
Ok, a simple start,
Love,
Me
