Dear Readers:
How are you? First and foremost, I would like to welcome my newest follower. She is someone from my Facebook who has opted to follow me here. Why? Why would she do such a thing?? Well...in the next twelve hours or so, I will deactivate my Facebook.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously. I just have so much going on right now. I have deactivated before and when I decided to go back, every single thing was right where I left it. It was like a monument to my internet life. The same friends, the same everything. So it is what it is.
I need an emotional reboot and Facebook is preventing me from doing that. It turns out that I am painfully honest (ie transparent) on Facebook. My mood is immediately evident by first morning status post. I don't particularly mind folks knowing what is going on in my head. Pause. No Homo. Pause. However, there is such a great chance that there are some people just awaiting some shit to go down. While I don't want to disappoint them, my Facebook (ab)use is preventing me from realistically dealing with my own shit.
I was very considerate as I informed everyone that I was heading out. I left this address for anyone who was still interested. I imagine that gross enemies in the mine would not waste precious time reading all of this, so maybe they won't follow. The crazy thing is, even folk who are not plotting against my very inch of sanity, might be inadvertently wishing me harm. I can't exactly explain why, but one needn't be allergic to bee stings in order to feel the pain.
I sound like Methaphor Man...that is the name my son gave to his school therapist. For every situation Methaphor Man is ready and armed to spew some wonderfulness that has so little to do with the actual situation.
Anyway....here I am. I still need to write and it is nice of you to read. I only have one Dear Reader who is quite frequent with her comments. I have other ones, the shy ones, who rather shoot me a text or email. All are welcome.
Now I have a teenage boy in front of me who is demanding to know why:
I deactivated Facebook
I am blogging
He can't read over my shoulder
He can't stay in the living room with me and not say anything
I am blogging
So now he is going to sit here and chew at his nail beds knowing that that drives me nuts. He wants to read this blog after, so I will let him. Afterall, this blog is public. So are you happy?? Is this what you wanted to see? The Secret Life of Mom....sheesh.
Sorry for that brief interuption brought to you by the makers of WTF Was I Thinking.
My Facebook is still up so that people can be informed and so that they can jot down this address if they need it. Aha...another question totally irrelevant to anything in life right now from the nail bed chewing teen on the other couch.
I don't know how long this break will last. I mean, honestly, I do appreciate that I can get a snapshot of everyone's day from Facebook. Where else can you know what 438 (I think) friends are doing at one moment in time? No where.
It is the greatest creation since Big Brother...don't think that they are not watching. It is my thought that one day I publish all of these blogs, but I obviously can't make a profit because why buy the cow when you can stroke her, milk her, drink said milk and take a picture because it lasts longer for free?
I will keep for the time being, my Instagram, Twitter and Foursquare.
Instagram is endless entertainment as I love looking, commenting and posting pics. Twitter is kind of a waste of time, but whatever. Foursquare is only really fun if I can maintain mayorships. I also use Foursquare to check in for that one person who loves to know where I am at every.given.moment.
And enter Gypsy, the Ninja Cat. Just like my kids, she can't deal with me doing anything that does that concern her. So now, she will commence to bathe. As the washdown becomes more furious, her little red bell will ring, ring, RING. That is ok. The real distraction will be when she decides to walk across my lap.
Oh...another comment from the nail bed biting teen on the other couch. Remember the quiet one? Now he wants to chuckle and make a joke about the bathing beauty to my left. Am I surprised? Not hardly. It is all good. Not like I am doing anything of importance.
It is 5:11pm. My next order of business is to steam (first came out as steal) some veggies for dinner. There is a cornish hen left over from yesterday. Will my family explode in thunderous applause at the prospect of leftovers coupled with steamed veggies? Probably not.
It is all good. I am supposed to feed them, not dazzle them.
After I do that, it is on to my little white pill and a nightcap. I will probably (definitely) fall asleep after that. I will sleep until about 10pm. From 10-1am, I will not check my Facebook. Damn...that is what I usually do. Nope, I will maybe read, maybe catch up on Netflix.
Such is my life. I am up relatively early, so at this hour...chores (the ones I feel like doing) are complete and I've already had a heavy lunch of beans, spinach and fake chicken.
I don't really need much else. I may have company, I may not. Whatever, yo.
I thank you for being here, whether old or new. Tomorrow is a bright, shiny new day and I am already looking forward to it.
A simple start,
Christine
If you see poorly spelled words, forgive me. Everytime I spellcheck, my pc freezes.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Be Right Back To Name This Blog
Dear Readers,
Like most blogs, I have been mentally writing this all day. Actually, I started writing it yesterday, but I ended up elsewhere and really could not write. So.
Now I don't really know where to start, but yeah, don't I always say a simple start?
First, in honor of Father's Day, this blog is dedicated to family planning.
Last Sunday was Father's Day and as years before, I was wished a Happy Father's Day. Now Dear Readers, I am being really transparent when I say that I a female. OMG. Sidebar, being home on Friday nights is killing me. I am not used to being around my children soooooooo much. Does that sound bad? Whatever, it works for us. They are teens, they don't need me in their face. I don't know what I am going to start doing on Fridays, but I need to be a volunteer fireman or something.
Anyway...back to family planning. If you are one of those sistas who gets bent out of shape...you may not want to continue. I trust that my Readers are adults.
I am not a dad.
I am not a father.
I am not a male capable of producing sperm and delivering said sperm to an egg.
I am not a male capable of legally adopting a child.
I am not a male animal who has taken on a responsibility of a baby animal.
I am a woman who despite it all celebrates her motherhood. Here is the defense people give me...but you do it all on your own.
ALRIGHT. ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS ALL THAT WAS RECOVERED AFTER MY COMPUTER CRASHED.
I said that I was not going to rewrite it. I am not.
This is what you are missing Dear Readers...
1. Lola on Change
2. Lola on Starting Over
I also wrote about Pride Sunday and my friend wearing my favorite pajama pants without panties.
She defended herself because she just had a wax. No pubes. That is what she said.
So last Pride I spent it with my ex and friends (couples of course). At one point someone mentioned my ex's current (who they all thought was just a mutual friend)....and the event changed. Anyway on the way back, we rode in a the back of a car and I cried the whole way home. Have you ever seen the traffic during Pride? I cried on her lap. I was so aware that we were over, that there was no chance, that this was really truly it. Since then.....I don't know. I am just learning not to hate her.
Anyway. This Pride, I will find a gay free place. I don't know how I will get away with it. I mentioned to my pantiless friend that I might go to Coney Island. I anticipate all the gays to be sashaying through Manhattan.
I just don't see the point of going. Pride, to me, is for couples....or people looking to secure a summer love. I already love. I don't need to find that. I am talking shit, it is just not for those two groups. I don't know a damn thing.
Again...change.
So I am heading to the beach tomorrow after Weight Watchers. I want to tan nice and dark. My weekend, at least about 24hrs of it will be the usual...then on Pride I will head home.
What do I really care? I know Dear Readers, I care too much.
So my pantiless friend has taken this opportunity to fall asleep on my couch. I guess now is a good time to talk smack about her. I really don't have anything smackesque to say. She took me to dinner, offered to get my manicure done, and ordered pizza for the kids.
I love her. She is pretty awesome and I am not just saying that because she will read this blog.
Speaking of reading, when is the last time I thanked you for coming, for visiting, for checking in the day after? I love you, Dear Readers.
I fear typing much more or even editting, since the laptop erased half of my thoughts. Half of my thoughts is a whole lot.
I am pretty sure I will submit a drunken blog on Sunday. Stay tuned.
A simple start,
Lola/Christine...what did I sign off as last time?
Like most blogs, I have been mentally writing this all day. Actually, I started writing it yesterday, but I ended up elsewhere and really could not write. So.
Now I don't really know where to start, but yeah, don't I always say a simple start?
First, in honor of Father's Day, this blog is dedicated to family planning.
Last Sunday was Father's Day and as years before, I was wished a Happy Father's Day. Now Dear Readers, I am being really transparent when I say that I a female. OMG. Sidebar, being home on Friday nights is killing me. I am not used to being around my children soooooooo much. Does that sound bad? Whatever, it works for us. They are teens, they don't need me in their face. I don't know what I am going to start doing on Fridays, but I need to be a volunteer fireman or something.
Anyway...back to family planning. If you are one of those sistas who gets bent out of shape...you may not want to continue. I trust that my Readers are adults.
I am not a dad.
I am not a father.
I am not a male capable of producing sperm and delivering said sperm to an egg.
I am not a male capable of legally adopting a child.
I am not a male animal who has taken on a responsibility of a baby animal.
I am a woman who despite it all celebrates her motherhood. Here is the defense people give me...but you do it all on your own.
ALRIGHT. ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS ALL THAT WAS RECOVERED AFTER MY COMPUTER CRASHED.
I said that I was not going to rewrite it. I am not.
This is what you are missing Dear Readers...
1. Lola on Change
2. Lola on Starting Over
I also wrote about Pride Sunday and my friend wearing my favorite pajama pants without panties.
She defended herself because she just had a wax. No pubes. That is what she said.
So last Pride I spent it with my ex and friends (couples of course). At one point someone mentioned my ex's current (who they all thought was just a mutual friend)....and the event changed. Anyway on the way back, we rode in a the back of a car and I cried the whole way home. Have you ever seen the traffic during Pride? I cried on her lap. I was so aware that we were over, that there was no chance, that this was really truly it. Since then.....I don't know. I am just learning not to hate her.
Anyway. This Pride, I will find a gay free place. I don't know how I will get away with it. I mentioned to my pantiless friend that I might go to Coney Island. I anticipate all the gays to be sashaying through Manhattan.
I just don't see the point of going. Pride, to me, is for couples....or people looking to secure a summer love. I already love. I don't need to find that. I am talking shit, it is just not for those two groups. I don't know a damn thing.
Again...change.
So I am heading to the beach tomorrow after Weight Watchers. I want to tan nice and dark. My weekend, at least about 24hrs of it will be the usual...then on Pride I will head home.
What do I really care? I know Dear Readers, I care too much.
So my pantiless friend has taken this opportunity to fall asleep on my couch. I guess now is a good time to talk smack about her. I really don't have anything smackesque to say. She took me to dinner, offered to get my manicure done, and ordered pizza for the kids.
I love her. She is pretty awesome and I am not just saying that because she will read this blog.
Speaking of reading, when is the last time I thanked you for coming, for visiting, for checking in the day after? I love you, Dear Readers.
I fear typing much more or even editting, since the laptop erased half of my thoughts. Half of my thoughts is a whole lot.
I am pretty sure I will submit a drunken blog on Sunday. Stay tuned.
A simple start,
Lola/Christine...what did I sign off as last time?
Monday, June 18, 2012
HappYness: WTH Happened??
Dear Readers:
I am so frustrated. I am frustrated because once again I find myself in a similar situation. When will I learn? It is useless to share the situation with you, because I have realized that it is not the situation, it is my handling of it.
Lola on Happiness
What is happiness? What makes you happy and what does it feel like, look like, taste like? I am afraid that I have forgotten what it truly feels like for me. Listen, one of the one things that I forgot and I will not get back is the sound of my Grandma's voice. I never thought I would forget that and the day that I did, it was a terrible realization. The next major thing that I forgot was the feeling of hunger. I have dieted so much, disguised for myself my true feelings so much, that I now do not know when I am actually hungry. Do you know how I know? When I am lightheaded. That is crazy. I am afraid I have forgotten happiness. How do I know if I am truly happy or just not sad? The opposite of happy can be many different emotions: sad, angry, depressed, moody...I mean, which is it? Why do I need to know? Why can't I just know? My inability to know what truly is happy is ruining every relationship that I am involved in.
See. This is why I can't blog under too much stress. I have so many plates spinning in the air right now. Real Housewives of NJ are on...I have downed 12ozs of Moscato, I am....overly distracted and annoyed.
I should not be annoyed. I went for a mani and pedi today...I don't know.
I don't know what it will take to make me happy. I remember vaguely the feeling, but lately I am just sabotaging everything. I know why. Clearly there is a piece of me who believes that I don't deserve more. My internal struggle with myself is spilling all over my external. It is not pretty.
It is not sexy.
It is not funny.
It is not what anyone (especially me) wants.
I am one by one excluding myself from healthy relationships because I am falling back into the same rut.
The same rut that is hindering my whole life.
Lola on Marriage
I steady say that I don't want to marry. What a crock of shit. I want a ring. I want a dress, a veil, a party, someone who just wants me. I want someone who's day does not begin until they set eyes on me.
Is that going to happen? OF COURSE NOT. I will tell you why:
I am 36yo mother of two teens.
I have just started a brand new career.
I am still trying to finish grad school.
I am too nice.
Ok, the first three make sense. Who wants someone on the journey to 40? No one.
Let me explain the nice part. Every single relationship that I have ever been in has ended the same way. Let me paint you a picture.
This is what goes on in the mind of whomever I am dating:
Wow...she is gorgeous, smart, funny, considerate, loving, everyone including ME, loves her.....but I'm bored. What I thought was cute, is just boring. I need more. I want more. Not more of her, but more of something. But....if I leave her, everyone including MYSELF is going to think I have lost my everloving mind...what is wrong with me?? How can I let her go?
This is what that level of thought turns into: (some real things told to me)
You deserve better than me.
We are in a rut.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
She is just my best friend.
She is just like you.
You would like her.
You are my best friend.
It is only a matter of time before I am left on the side of the road. I am to the point when I can see it coming. I don't know what's worse. Seeing the car before it mows you down or being distracted until it is too late.
Damn it. I love too hard. I swear, I just don't know what to do, when to do it, why to do it.
I have a friend who thinks that I should just be a swinging single, like the blond chick on Sex In the City. I don't remember her character name, and no, I don't feel like looking it up. Her real name is Kim. Then others feel like I should be the brunette...you know happily married with a baby (duh, like I don't have two). Too bad I feel like the love child of the angry red headed real life lesbian and the harebrained Sarah who is married to Ferris Bueller.
You know what I want to say? I want to say, Fuck It.
What I am tired of saying is, Why? Why? Why?
My typical knee jerk reaction is a haircut, which is now on the agenda for tomorrow.
How can I put people in ruts when I make quickfire decisions like a severe haircut?
Readers? Is anyone listening (reading)? A few of you are my real time in my face friends, so you know. You know so much. Do you know that I feel like you must be tired of me? I am tired of me too, you are not alone.
I stay giving advice. Funny.
Last thought:
Lola on Strength
When it comes to strength, I mean emotional strength...I get that a lot. Be strong. You can do it. Don't be so emotional.
Uh yeah. Do you even know what it takes to be strong? Do you know why I look like I break down so haphazardly? Ask any Piscean. I. TAKE. ON. EVERY. PROBLEM.
Your relationship falls apart? I feel it.
You loss your wallet/job/iphone? I feel it.
Your kid/spouse/best friend dicks you over? I feel it.
Your favorite sock was lost in the wash? I feel it.
EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT. HAPPENS. I. FEEL. IT.
By the time my own shit comes up, I have felt your shit so hard, that I implode. I have no space for my own shit, because I absorb everyone else's shit.
How shitty is that?
However, don't stop sharing with me, because then I will feel neglected.
You don't need me?? Whhhhhhy???
Got it? Right. Crazy McCray Cray. I wouldn't date/love/marry/breed with me.
I am a train wreck.
A simple start,
Lola
I am so frustrated. I am frustrated because once again I find myself in a similar situation. When will I learn? It is useless to share the situation with you, because I have realized that it is not the situation, it is my handling of it.
Lola on Happiness
What is happiness? What makes you happy and what does it feel like, look like, taste like? I am afraid that I have forgotten what it truly feels like for me. Listen, one of the one things that I forgot and I will not get back is the sound of my Grandma's voice. I never thought I would forget that and the day that I did, it was a terrible realization. The next major thing that I forgot was the feeling of hunger. I have dieted so much, disguised for myself my true feelings so much, that I now do not know when I am actually hungry. Do you know how I know? When I am lightheaded. That is crazy. I am afraid I have forgotten happiness. How do I know if I am truly happy or just not sad? The opposite of happy can be many different emotions: sad, angry, depressed, moody...I mean, which is it? Why do I need to know? Why can't I just know? My inability to know what truly is happy is ruining every relationship that I am involved in.
See. This is why I can't blog under too much stress. I have so many plates spinning in the air right now. Real Housewives of NJ are on...I have downed 12ozs of Moscato, I am....overly distracted and annoyed.
I should not be annoyed. I went for a mani and pedi today...I don't know.
I don't know what it will take to make me happy. I remember vaguely the feeling, but lately I am just sabotaging everything. I know why. Clearly there is a piece of me who believes that I don't deserve more. My internal struggle with myself is spilling all over my external. It is not pretty.
It is not sexy.
It is not funny.
It is not what anyone (especially me) wants.
I am one by one excluding myself from healthy relationships because I am falling back into the same rut.
The same rut that is hindering my whole life.
Lola on Marriage
I steady say that I don't want to marry. What a crock of shit. I want a ring. I want a dress, a veil, a party, someone who just wants me. I want someone who's day does not begin until they set eyes on me.
Is that going to happen? OF COURSE NOT. I will tell you why:
I am 36yo mother of two teens.
I have just started a brand new career.
I am still trying to finish grad school.
I am too nice.
Ok, the first three make sense. Who wants someone on the journey to 40? No one.
Let me explain the nice part. Every single relationship that I have ever been in has ended the same way. Let me paint you a picture.
This is what goes on in the mind of whomever I am dating:
Wow...she is gorgeous, smart, funny, considerate, loving, everyone including ME, loves her.....but I'm bored. What I thought was cute, is just boring. I need more. I want more. Not more of her, but more of something. But....if I leave her, everyone including MYSELF is going to think I have lost my everloving mind...what is wrong with me?? How can I let her go?
This is what that level of thought turns into: (some real things told to me)
You deserve better than me.
We are in a rut.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
She is just my best friend.
She is just like you.
You would like her.
You are my best friend.
It is only a matter of time before I am left on the side of the road. I am to the point when I can see it coming. I don't know what's worse. Seeing the car before it mows you down or being distracted until it is too late.
Damn it. I love too hard. I swear, I just don't know what to do, when to do it, why to do it.
I have a friend who thinks that I should just be a swinging single, like the blond chick on Sex In the City. I don't remember her character name, and no, I don't feel like looking it up. Her real name is Kim. Then others feel like I should be the brunette...you know happily married with a baby (duh, like I don't have two). Too bad I feel like the love child of the angry red headed real life lesbian and the harebrained Sarah who is married to Ferris Bueller.
You know what I want to say? I want to say, Fuck It.
What I am tired of saying is, Why? Why? Why?
My typical knee jerk reaction is a haircut, which is now on the agenda for tomorrow.
How can I put people in ruts when I make quickfire decisions like a severe haircut?
Readers? Is anyone listening (reading)? A few of you are my real time in my face friends, so you know. You know so much. Do you know that I feel like you must be tired of me? I am tired of me too, you are not alone.
I stay giving advice. Funny.
Last thought:
Lola on Strength
When it comes to strength, I mean emotional strength...I get that a lot. Be strong. You can do it. Don't be so emotional.
Uh yeah. Do you even know what it takes to be strong? Do you know why I look like I break down so haphazardly? Ask any Piscean. I. TAKE. ON. EVERY. PROBLEM.
Your relationship falls apart? I feel it.
You loss your wallet/job/iphone? I feel it.
Your kid/spouse/best friend dicks you over? I feel it.
Your favorite sock was lost in the wash? I feel it.
EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT. HAPPENS. I. FEEL. IT.
By the time my own shit comes up, I have felt your shit so hard, that I implode. I have no space for my own shit, because I absorb everyone else's shit.
How shitty is that?
However, don't stop sharing with me, because then I will feel neglected.
You don't need me?? Whhhhhhy???
Got it? Right. Crazy McCray Cray. I wouldn't date/love/marry/breed with me.
I am a train wreck.
A simple start,
Lola
Friday, June 15, 2012
I'm Still Here
Dear Readers,
I know my last blog in February was all about finding myself, my journey to Christine. Well, turns out, I didn't have to look too far. I have always been here. It has nothing to do with a name. Whether I am Lola or Christine, I am who I am.
Who I am is kind of the subject of this blog. I do feel like my writing name is Lola, so we will stick to what works.
Readers....I have been through so much. I know what you are thinking, really....what a surprise.
Really. I have been. After recent events, all transpiring since April, I have had the need to write. After the final events of this morning, I felt famished, improvished, totally drained...I needed to write more than my next bite. More than the sun, I needed to write.
Now I am here, and now what?
I don't know.
I could write about the most prominent thing on my mind, but perhaps I don't want to think about it. Though the thought is there, perhaps I don't want to birth it via print. Shit. Dear Readers, I am so lonely. Where does one go when everyone has heard the story?
Some of us go to therapy. I did. I do. I have a therapist and it feels good. At first I thought myself foolish to pay someone to listen to me, but it is money well spent. Imagine this: your job is to listen, my part is to speak and pay, and voila! I like the fact that he is listening to me, only me, without any preconceptions. He does not know my story. He does not know what makes me Lola. It feels great. I kind of wonder if one day I will have to find a new therapist. I mean, eventually, he would have heard it all. Well, at this rate, that will take a while. No one can know it all about me at the rate of 20min a week.
I wish I knew where to start.
How about good news? I was just offered a job and I am taking it. It is a terribly long tedious story, the story of Why Lola Needs To Find A New School, and I have told it a baker's dozen of times. I will spare you, shoot, I will spare me. All you need to know is that I have been offered a new position. I will still be teaching, as I love to teach. I have not been in a classroom since April. (Are you seeing a connection? Therapy started in April as well.)
More good news? I have lost about thirteen pound in the last five weeks. I really needed to. I was gaining all this love weight. (More on the L word soon) I didn't really mind the weight, but I was already out of my comfort zone. I have been there before and it is never good. (40 in 40, you memba!!) So despite being awfully short on money since April, I decided to join Weight Watchers again. I have such control over my body this way. I like it. I also joined Planet Fitness. It took me a while to get into working out, but since I have had so much time to myself since April (there is that month again).....
I am trying to squeeze out some more good news. Umm you already know about the new apartment. We still love it here. Little by little we are adding things: pictures, fixtures and what have you. It really feels like home. Finally. Please Dear Readers, always love where you lie your head. Really, it makes all the difference in the world.
Lola in Love (still)
You think I would have learned, right? What is love anyway? What makes people have the audacity to say that they are in love and what the hell does it mean? The definition is so nebulous. I am in love. I am in love with someone who is absolutely all that I have ever wanted. Of course anything worth having is worth fighting for and Honey Boo Boo Chile...there is a fight. She knows where I stand. We have been dating for a year and I think the year is taking its toll. I feel like we are in debt to the universe. To stay with her, I am willing to pay the universe. I think, rather I know, we have a good thing. I am telling you, this whole year ish is wearing us out. Sometimes I wish love could be timeless, like who recognizes a year if all is well? If all is well, why commerate a year? Yeaaah we did it....ONE MORE YEAR!! ONE MORE YEAR!! I think it adds pressure.
I really don't know where we will end up. I honestly feel like we have a great thing. However I don't want us to beat our relationship with a studded bat. I digress. I am not going to keep reevaluating my love for this awesome person. I would not change anything about our year together. I won't tempt the universe and simply assume we have another one at fate. I will just celebrate what we had and secretly, quietly, silently, prayerfully wish for one more. ONE! MORE! YEAR! (please and thank you)
Lola on Friendships
I have learned that friendships flucuate. I have friends that will be my friends no matter what. I have friends who may just not be everything that I need them to be, as I am sure that I am not everything, all the time, that they need me to be. I wish the best for all of my friends. I appreciate them, though they might not know it...part of who I am is who they inspire me to be.
Lola on Enemies
What enemies?? I don't have enemies. I may have people who are not celebrating my every success, but seriously, if I have enemies I don't know who they are so it really does not matter. I am sure if someone opts to be my enemy, they simply did not take enough time to get to know me, or worst yet, saw me on a bad day. I do have bad days you know.
Lola on Forgiveness
I am still hammering this on out. I am currently reading a book about forgiveness. Just when I think I have figured it all out, something changes. I do know that the longer I take to forgive, the longer I take to move on. My haphazard forgiveness level effects all aspects of my life and relationships. My trust level...sheesh...it is pretty poor. I can't help but think that if I forgive, I will regain trust.
Lola on Tears
That heading may not really work, but bear with me. Today I met a woman. She was at my home visiting with her friend. So anyhow, this woman was sipping a glass of wine and we were having a great time. We were having a great time until she started bawling. Trust me, she didn't have that much wine and I am quite the hostess. I did not incite her tears. She was crying (I found out, as this was our first meeting) because she was in a terrible relationship. She shared with us that everyday, when it was time for her to drive home, she cried. It was even tougher on Fridays, because that meant she had the entire weekend to be down. Well of course I told her to leave him. Leave this man that was causing these tears! I went into survival mode, down to inviting her to stay with me until she saved her money. At one point, she told me that she wished that she could hate him. She wanted to hate him so that she could leave.
Check out this advice (and feel free to roll your eyes)
I told her, take that hate toward him and direct it to yourself, only call it love. I said, instead of using all your good, sweet energy on hating him, love yourself. Loving yourself, I explained, is like lying in the sun. It always feels good. It feels so incredible to love yourself. Once I start loving myself, I rapidly become full of myself, which is fine because myself is the best part of me.
She argued that she did so much for him, took care of his kids, his mother, yadda yadda. She was angry at him for being a jerk and angry at herself for putting up with him and doing all those things. I told her to stop right there. I told her that I was not the most religious person but I believe in the universe. I believe in the universe and the ultimate plan. She did those things because she was supposed to. I told her, you were where you needed to be, as you are where you need to be right now, sitting on this couch. I said, don't berate yourself for who you are. Does he not berate you enough?
See Dear Readers??!! I am full of good advice. Now that she has left, along with my other friends, I wonder....at what point do I listen to my own damn advice? I don't know. I am kind of listening to it....but still, if there is one voice that will wear you out, it is your own.
Self?
I guess I am just who I am supposed to be. I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. Why else would the universe have me here? I am in love, despite it all, and it does feel good. Why want more? Why demand more than what I have? There was a time when everything that I had was just want I needed. Right here now, where I am, I am just right. I am just enough.
I am just enough.
Lola is just enough.
Christine is just enough.
Why not?
Why not embrace the woman that I am? I love who I am. I love how I love. If my method of love does not suit someone..it is no reflection on me. It simply means that I am not the one for them. When do I stop blaming myself for everyDAMNthing.
Today.
Today I stop laying blame. On me and on others, no more blame. Things happen for a reason. They always have, they always will. That is all.
I am just enough. Yesterday I was just enough. Today I am just enough. Tomorrow I will be just enough.
A simple start,
Lola
I know my last blog in February was all about finding myself, my journey to Christine. Well, turns out, I didn't have to look too far. I have always been here. It has nothing to do with a name. Whether I am Lola or Christine, I am who I am.
Who I am is kind of the subject of this blog. I do feel like my writing name is Lola, so we will stick to what works.
Readers....I have been through so much. I know what you are thinking, really....what a surprise.
Really. I have been. After recent events, all transpiring since April, I have had the need to write. After the final events of this morning, I felt famished, improvished, totally drained...I needed to write more than my next bite. More than the sun, I needed to write.
Now I am here, and now what?
I don't know.
I could write about the most prominent thing on my mind, but perhaps I don't want to think about it. Though the thought is there, perhaps I don't want to birth it via print. Shit. Dear Readers, I am so lonely. Where does one go when everyone has heard the story?
Some of us go to therapy. I did. I do. I have a therapist and it feels good. At first I thought myself foolish to pay someone to listen to me, but it is money well spent. Imagine this: your job is to listen, my part is to speak and pay, and voila! I like the fact that he is listening to me, only me, without any preconceptions. He does not know my story. He does not know what makes me Lola. It feels great. I kind of wonder if one day I will have to find a new therapist. I mean, eventually, he would have heard it all. Well, at this rate, that will take a while. No one can know it all about me at the rate of 20min a week.
I wish I knew where to start.
How about good news? I was just offered a job and I am taking it. It is a terribly long tedious story, the story of Why Lola Needs To Find A New School, and I have told it a baker's dozen of times. I will spare you, shoot, I will spare me. All you need to know is that I have been offered a new position. I will still be teaching, as I love to teach. I have not been in a classroom since April. (Are you seeing a connection? Therapy started in April as well.)
More good news? I have lost about thirteen pound in the last five weeks. I really needed to. I was gaining all this love weight. (More on the L word soon) I didn't really mind the weight, but I was already out of my comfort zone. I have been there before and it is never good. (40 in 40, you memba!!) So despite being awfully short on money since April, I decided to join Weight Watchers again. I have such control over my body this way. I like it. I also joined Planet Fitness. It took me a while to get into working out, but since I have had so much time to myself since April (there is that month again).....
I am trying to squeeze out some more good news. Umm you already know about the new apartment. We still love it here. Little by little we are adding things: pictures, fixtures and what have you. It really feels like home. Finally. Please Dear Readers, always love where you lie your head. Really, it makes all the difference in the world.
Lola in Love (still)
You think I would have learned, right? What is love anyway? What makes people have the audacity to say that they are in love and what the hell does it mean? The definition is so nebulous. I am in love. I am in love with someone who is absolutely all that I have ever wanted. Of course anything worth having is worth fighting for and Honey Boo Boo Chile...there is a fight. She knows where I stand. We have been dating for a year and I think the year is taking its toll. I feel like we are in debt to the universe. To stay with her, I am willing to pay the universe. I think, rather I know, we have a good thing. I am telling you, this whole year ish is wearing us out. Sometimes I wish love could be timeless, like who recognizes a year if all is well? If all is well, why commerate a year? Yeaaah we did it....ONE MORE YEAR!! ONE MORE YEAR!! I think it adds pressure.
I really don't know where we will end up. I honestly feel like we have a great thing. However I don't want us to beat our relationship with a studded bat. I digress. I am not going to keep reevaluating my love for this awesome person. I would not change anything about our year together. I won't tempt the universe and simply assume we have another one at fate. I will just celebrate what we had and secretly, quietly, silently, prayerfully wish for one more. ONE! MORE! YEAR! (please and thank you)
Lola on Friendships
I have learned that friendships flucuate. I have friends that will be my friends no matter what. I have friends who may just not be everything that I need them to be, as I am sure that I am not everything, all the time, that they need me to be. I wish the best for all of my friends. I appreciate them, though they might not know it...part of who I am is who they inspire me to be.
Lola on Enemies
What enemies?? I don't have enemies. I may have people who are not celebrating my every success, but seriously, if I have enemies I don't know who they are so it really does not matter. I am sure if someone opts to be my enemy, they simply did not take enough time to get to know me, or worst yet, saw me on a bad day. I do have bad days you know.
Lola on Forgiveness
I am still hammering this on out. I am currently reading a book about forgiveness. Just when I think I have figured it all out, something changes. I do know that the longer I take to forgive, the longer I take to move on. My haphazard forgiveness level effects all aspects of my life and relationships. My trust level...sheesh...it is pretty poor. I can't help but think that if I forgive, I will regain trust.
Lola on Tears
That heading may not really work, but bear with me. Today I met a woman. She was at my home visiting with her friend. So anyhow, this woman was sipping a glass of wine and we were having a great time. We were having a great time until she started bawling. Trust me, she didn't have that much wine and I am quite the hostess. I did not incite her tears. She was crying (I found out, as this was our first meeting) because she was in a terrible relationship. She shared with us that everyday, when it was time for her to drive home, she cried. It was even tougher on Fridays, because that meant she had the entire weekend to be down. Well of course I told her to leave him. Leave this man that was causing these tears! I went into survival mode, down to inviting her to stay with me until she saved her money. At one point, she told me that she wished that she could hate him. She wanted to hate him so that she could leave.
Check out this advice (and feel free to roll your eyes)
I told her, take that hate toward him and direct it to yourself, only call it love. I said, instead of using all your good, sweet energy on hating him, love yourself. Loving yourself, I explained, is like lying in the sun. It always feels good. It feels so incredible to love yourself. Once I start loving myself, I rapidly become full of myself, which is fine because myself is the best part of me.
She argued that she did so much for him, took care of his kids, his mother, yadda yadda. She was angry at him for being a jerk and angry at herself for putting up with him and doing all those things. I told her to stop right there. I told her that I was not the most religious person but I believe in the universe. I believe in the universe and the ultimate plan. She did those things because she was supposed to. I told her, you were where you needed to be, as you are where you need to be right now, sitting on this couch. I said, don't berate yourself for who you are. Does he not berate you enough?
See Dear Readers??!! I am full of good advice. Now that she has left, along with my other friends, I wonder....at what point do I listen to my own damn advice? I don't know. I am kind of listening to it....but still, if there is one voice that will wear you out, it is your own.
Self?
I guess I am just who I am supposed to be. I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. Why else would the universe have me here? I am in love, despite it all, and it does feel good. Why want more? Why demand more than what I have? There was a time when everything that I had was just want I needed. Right here now, where I am, I am just right. I am just enough.
I am just enough.
Lola is just enough.
Christine is just enough.
Why not?
Why not embrace the woman that I am? I love who I am. I love how I love. If my method of love does not suit someone..it is no reflection on me. It simply means that I am not the one for them. When do I stop blaming myself for everyDAMNthing.
Today.
Today I stop laying blame. On me and on others, no more blame. Things happen for a reason. They always have, they always will. That is all.
I am just enough. Yesterday I was just enough. Today I am just enough. Tomorrow I will be just enough.
A simple start,
Lola
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