I'm Still Here

Dear Readers,

I know my last blog in February was all about finding myself, my journey to Christine.  Well, turns out, I didn't have to look too far.  I have always been here.  It has nothing to do with a name. Whether I am Lola or Christine, I am who I am.

Who I am is kind of the subject of this blog.  I do feel like my writing name is Lola, so we will stick to what works.

Readers....I have been through so much.  I know what you are thinking, really....what a surprise.

Really.  I have been.  After recent events, all transpiring since April, I have had the need to write.  After the final events of this morning, I felt famished, improvished, totally drained...I needed to write more than my next bite.  More than the sun, I needed to write.

Now I am here, and now what?

I don't know.

I could write about the most prominent thing on my mind, but perhaps I don't want to think about it.  Though the thought is there, perhaps I don't want to birth it via print.  Shit.  Dear Readers, I am so lonely.  Where does one go when everyone has heard the story?

Some of us go to therapy.  I did.  I do.  I have a therapist and it feels good.  At first I thought myself foolish to pay someone to listen to me, but it is money well spent.  Imagine this: your job is to listen, my part is to speak and pay, and voila! I like the fact that he is listening to me, only me, without any preconceptions.  He does not know my story.  He does not know what makes me Lola.  It feels great.  I kind of wonder if one day I will have to find a new therapist.  I mean, eventually, he would have heard it all.  Well, at this rate, that will take a while.  No one can know it all about me at the rate of 20min a week.

I wish I knew where to start.

How about good news? I was just offered a job and I am taking it.  It is a terribly long tedious story, the story of Why Lola Needs To Find A New School, and I have told it a baker's dozen of times.  I will spare you, shoot, I will spare me.  All you need to know is that I have been offered a new position.  I will still be teaching, as I love to teach.  I have not been in a classroom since April.  (Are you seeing a connection? Therapy started in April as well.)

More good news? I have lost about thirteen pound in the last five weeks.  I really needed to.  I was gaining all this love weight.  (More on the L word soon)  I didn't really mind the weight, but I was already out of my comfort zone.  I have been there before and it is never good.  (40 in 40, you memba!!)  So despite being awfully short on money since April, I decided to join Weight Watchers again. I have such control over my body this way.  I like it.  I also joined Planet Fitness.  It took me a while to get into working out, but since I have had so much time to myself since April (there is that month again).....

I am trying to squeeze out some more good news.  Umm you already know about the new apartment.  We still love it here.  Little by little we are adding things: pictures, fixtures and what have you.  It really feels like home.  Finally.  Please Dear Readers, always love where you lie your head.  Really, it makes all the difference in the world. 

Lola in Love (still)

You think I would have learned, right? What is love anyway? What makes people have the audacity to say that they are in love and what the hell does it mean? The definition is so nebulous.  I am in love.  I am in love with someone who is absolutely all that I have ever wanted.  Of course anything worth having is worth fighting for and Honey Boo Boo Chile...there is a fight.  She knows where I stand.  We have been dating for a year and I think the year is taking its toll.  I feel like we are in debt to the universe.  To stay with her, I am willing to pay the universe.  I think, rather I know, we have a good thing. I am telling you, this whole year ish is wearing us out.  Sometimes I wish love could be timeless, like who recognizes a year if all is well? If all is well, why commerate a year? Yeaaah we did it....ONE MORE YEAR!! ONE MORE YEAR!! I think it adds pressure.

I really don't know where we will end up.  I honestly feel like we have a great thing.  However I don't want us to beat our relationship with a studded bat.  I digress.  I am not going to keep reevaluating my love for this awesome person.  I would not change anything about our year together.  I won't tempt the universe and simply assume we have another one at fate.  I will just celebrate what we had and secretly, quietly, silently, prayerfully wish for one more. ONE! MORE! YEAR! (please and thank you)

Lola on Friendships

I have learned that friendships flucuate.  I have friends that will be my friends no matter what.  I have friends who may just not be everything that I need them to be, as I am sure that I am not everything, all the time, that they need me to be.  I wish the best for all of my friends.  I appreciate them, though they might not know it...part of who I am is who they inspire me to be. 

Lola on Enemies

What enemies?? I don't have enemies.  I may have people who are not celebrating my every success, but seriously, if I have enemies I don't know who they  are so it really does not matter.  I am sure if someone opts to be my enemy, they simply did not take enough time to get to know me, or worst yet, saw me on a bad day.  I do have bad days you know. 

Lola on Forgiveness

I am still hammering this on out.  I am currently reading a book about forgiveness.  Just when I think I have figured it all out, something changes.  I do know that the longer I take to forgive, the longer I take to move on.  My haphazard forgiveness level effects all aspects of my life and relationships.  My trust level...sheesh...it is pretty poor.  I can't help but think that if I forgive, I will regain trust.

Lola on Tears

That heading may not really work, but bear with me.  Today I met a woman.  She was at my home visiting with her friend.  So anyhow, this woman was sipping a glass of wine and we were having a great time.  We were having a great time until she started bawling.  Trust me, she didn't have that much wine and I am quite the hostess.  I did not incite her tears.  She was crying (I found out, as this was our first meeting) because she was in a terrible relationship.  She shared with us that everyday, when it was time for her to drive home, she cried.  It was even tougher on Fridays, because that meant she had the entire weekend to be down.  Well of course I told her to leave him.  Leave this man that was causing these tears! I went into survival mode, down to inviting her to stay with me until she saved her money.  At one point, she told me that she wished that she could hate him.  She wanted to hate him so that she could leave. 

Check out this advice (and feel free to roll your eyes)

I told her, take that hate toward him and direct it to yourself, only call it love.  I said, instead of using all your good, sweet energy on hating him, love yourself.  Loving yourself, I explained, is like lying in the sun.  It always feels good.  It feels so incredible to love yourself.  Once I start loving myself, I rapidly become full of myself, which is fine because myself is the best part of me. 

She argued that she did so much for him, took care of his kids, his mother, yadda yadda.  She was angry at him for being a jerk and angry at herself for putting up with him and doing all those things.  I told her to stop right there.  I told her that I was not the most religious person but I believe in the universe.  I believe in the universe and the ultimate plan.  She did those things because she was supposed to.  I told her, you were where you needed to be, as you are where you need to be right now, sitting on this couch.  I said, don't berate yourself for who you are.  Does he not berate you enough?

See Dear Readers??!! I am full of good advice.  Now that she has left, along with my other friends, I wonder....at what point do I listen to my own damn advice? I don't know.  I am kind of listening to it....but still, if there is one voice that will wear you out, it is your own.

Self?

I guess I am just who I am supposed to be.  I guess I am right where I am supposed to be.  Why else would the universe have me here? I am in love, despite it all, and it does feel good.  Why want more? Why demand more than what I have? There was a time when everything that I had was just want I needed.  Right here now, where I am, I am just right. I am just enough.

I am just enough.

Lola is just enough.

Christine is just enough.

Why not?

Why not embrace the woman that I am?  I love who I am.  I love how I love.  If my method of love does not suit someone..it is no reflection on me. It simply means that I am not the one for them.  When do I stop blaming myself for everyDAMNthing.

Today.

Today I stop laying blame.  On me and on others, no more blame.  Things happen for a reason.  They always have, they always will.  That is all. 

I am just enough.  Yesterday I was just enough.  Today I am just enough.  Tomorrow I will be just enough.


A simple start,


Lola