HappYness: WTH Happened??

Dear Readers:

I am so frustrated.  I am frustrated because once again I find myself in a similar situation.  When will I learn?  It is useless to share the situation with you, because I have realized that it is not the situation, it is my handling of it.

Lola on Happiness
What is happiness?  What makes you happy and what does it feel like, look like, taste like?  I am afraid that I have forgotten what it truly feels like for me.  Listen, one of the one things that I forgot and I will not get back is the sound of my Grandma's voice.  I never thought I would forget that and the day that I did, it was a terrible realization.  The next major thing that I forgot was the feeling of hunger.  I have dieted so much, disguised for myself my true feelings so much, that I now do not know when I am actually hungry.  Do you know how I know? When I am lightheaded.  That is crazy.  I am afraid I have forgotten happiness.  How do I know if I am truly happy or just not sad?  The opposite of happy can be many different emotions: sad, angry, depressed, moody...I mean, which is it? Why do I need to know? Why can't I just know? My inability to know what truly is happy is ruining every relationship that I am involved in.

See.  This is why I can't blog under too much stress.  I have so many plates spinning in the air right now.  Real Housewives of NJ are on...I have downed 12ozs of Moscato, I am....overly distracted and annoyed.

I should not be annoyed.  I went for a mani and pedi today...I don't know.

I don't know what it will take to make me happy.  I remember vaguely the feeling, but lately I am just sabotaging everything.  I know why.  Clearly there is a piece of me who believes that I don't deserve more.  My internal struggle with myself is spilling all over my external.  It is not pretty.

It is not sexy.
It is not funny.
It is not what anyone (especially me) wants.

I am one by one excluding myself from healthy relationships because I am falling back into the same rut. 

The same rut that is hindering my whole life.

Lola on Marriage
I steady say that I don't want to marry.  What a crock of shit.  I want a ring.  I want a dress, a veil, a party, someone who just wants me.  I want someone who's day does not begin until they set eyes on me.

Is that going to happen?  OF COURSE NOT.  I will tell you why:

I am 36yo mother of two teens. 
I have just started a brand new career.
I am still trying to finish grad school.
I am too nice.

Ok, the first three make sense.  Who wants someone on the journey to 40? No one. 

Let me explain the nice part.  Every single relationship that I have ever been in has ended the same way.  Let me paint you a picture. 

This is what goes on in the mind of whomever I am dating:

Wow...she is gorgeous, smart, funny, considerate, loving, everyone including ME, loves her.....but I'm bored.  What I thought was cute, is just boring.  I need more.  I want more.  Not more of her, but more of something.  But....if I leave her, everyone including MYSELF is going to think I have lost my everloving mind...what is wrong with me?? How can I let her go?

This is what that level of thought turns into: (some real things told to me)

You deserve better than me.
We are in a rut.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
She is just my best friend.
She is just like you.
You would like her.
You are my best friend.

It is only a matter of time before I am left on the side of the road.  I am to the point when I can see it coming.  I don't know what's worse.  Seeing the car before it mows you down or being distracted until it is too late.

Damn it.  I love too hard.  I swear, I just don't know what to do, when to do it, why to do it.

I have a friend who thinks that I should just be a swinging single, like the blond chick on Sex In the City.  I don't remember her character name, and no, I don't feel like looking it up.  Her real name is Kim.  Then others feel like I should be the brunette...you know happily married with a baby (duh, like I don't have two).  Too bad I feel like the love child of the angry red headed real life lesbian and the harebrained Sarah who is married to Ferris Bueller. 

You know what I want to say?  I want to say, Fuck It.

What I am tired of saying is, Why? Why? Why?

My typical knee jerk reaction is a haircut, which is now on the agenda for tomorrow.

How can I put people in ruts when I make quickfire decisions like a severe haircut?

Readers? Is anyone listening (reading)? A few of you are my real time in my face friends, so you know.  You know so much.  Do you know that I feel like you must be tired of me? I am tired of me too, you are not alone.

I stay giving advice.  Funny.

Last thought:

Lola on Strength
When it comes to strength, I mean emotional strength...I get that a lot.  Be strong.  You can do it.  Don't be so emotional.

Uh yeah.  Do you even know what it takes to be strong? Do you know why I look like I break down so haphazardly? Ask any Piscean.  I. TAKE. ON. EVERY. PROBLEM.

Your relationship falls apart? I feel it.
You loss your wallet/job/iphone? I feel it.
Your kid/spouse/best friend dicks you over? I feel it.
Your favorite sock was lost in the wash? I feel it.

EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT. HAPPENS. I. FEEL. IT.

By the time my own shit comes up, I have felt your shit so hard, that I implode.  I have no space for my own shit, because I absorb everyone else's shit.

How shitty is that?

However, don't stop sharing with me, because then I will feel neglected.

You don't need me?? Whhhhhhy???

Got it? Right.  Crazy McCray Cray.  I wouldn't date/love/marry/breed with me.

I am a train wreck.

A simple start,


Lola